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If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.

-Eddie Izzard

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Eddie Izzard Quotes

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

-Eddie Izzard

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But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? P . . . Read more

-Eddie Izzard

Cake or death?

-Eddie Izzard

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What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!

-Eddie Izzard

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So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

-Eddie Izzard

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Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

-Eddie Izzard

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This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.

-Eddie Izzard

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Have you got a flag?

-Eddie Izzard

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